Juggling life’s demands can take more out of us than we think or allow. When we are a carer for another, whether that’s, as in my situation, a carer for my husband, or a parent with young children, or a teacher, or a nurse, a medic, social services, policemen. When we’re that – whatever that might be – the biggest challenge is to find how we can balance the needs of others with our own needs. And nine times out of ten we burn out because we put the needs of others first.

Does that mean that we’re doing it wrong? No.

Does it mean that we’re doing it right? No.

It means that we’re doing it. You can’t create an equal balance between your needs and someone else’s, especially when you’re in a caring situation. Emergencies happen. Things go wrong. You’re not in control. Yes, there are areas that we can control. So, for example, I’m able to establish a reasonable routine for my husband and for myself. He sleeps early in the evening so I sleep at the same time and then I wake up at 3am, and that’s when I do a lot of the work that I do. Is it perfect? No. Does it always work? No. However, what it does is it means that I’m able to place the two needs side by side without making one more important than the other, and more importantly without feeling guilty about it.

You know, it gives us an opportunity above all to be flexible, to flow with the energy of what’s occurring, to learn that no matter how we might wish it to be so, we’re not in control, and control isn’t heartwarming. If we can look at a situation that we’ve had organised or planned and smile when something turns it on its head, then what we’re saying is, okay, here’s another opportunity, here’s a gift to learn, to be patient, to be flexible, to look at how much there is in this or what else I can offer. It’s a gift, it’s an opportunity, and it stops us becoming so focused on, we have to do this, we have to care here and there and there and there, and therefore becoming automatic. Because you can’t be automatic when you don’t know from one day to the next what you’re going to be dealing with.

The biggest gift in taking care of our needs, as well as the needs of others, is that that allows others to give to us. If we’re always the caretaker, then we’re always the giver, and that means that other people have to take, and initially that can be a relief. Eventually it can lead to resentment, it can lead to the wish that somebody would step in and change the situation.

When we allow ourselves to set aside time for ourselves, five minutes here or there, a cup of tea in the garden, a chat with the neighbour, when we allow someone else to offer assistance, then we become a giver and a taker, and that makes us whole.

I had an accident with the car the other weekend at the moment, I don’t have a car, which means that Tony and I are dependent on other things. We have friends who have offered to take us here and there, we’ve got neighbours that have offered to do the same, and initially I resisted it until I realised that I can’t expect them to accept my help if I don’t accept theirs. If I don’t accept theirs, there’s a lack of equality in the relationship.

So if you are in a caring profession or if you’re a carer for others, don’t feel guilty about taking time for you. Don’t feel guilty about allowing others to help you. Because above all, it prevents burnout. If we burnout, everybody loses and it’s the small acts where we allow others to help us that fuels our own ability to care for and help other people.